Fatherhood is finally getting a little attention from a Playboy Playmate.
You know that nightmare where an excruciatingly attractive Playboy Playmate of the Year and a professional skate star ridicule you on national television? No? That’s cool. MTV made sure you and thousands of other viewers could live it vicariously through me.
Aside from those that came in the first few days (The Ellen Show, Jimmy Kimmel Live, Today Show, GMA, etc.), I’ve turned down every offer. Every cent of profit that’s connected with this blog goes directly into 529 plans for Greyson and Charlotte, but I’m still cautious as to how I earn that income. So with that being said, I must admit that the folks at MTV were very kind (and persuasive). For one time only, I licensed the video—for a nominal fee—to Ridiculousness.
I had only one stipulation: “Do not ridicule my daughter.” I’m happy to say they honored that request, and instead, did this. Here’s a transcript (or just skip to 14:48 in the video above).
Host: Oh no. Awe, whatcha doin’ little baby?
Motorboat. Reaction. Uproarious laughter from the audience.
Playmate: Oh my god. Wait. Those, those cut-off shorts scare me more than anything on that guy. Look at that. Who, what…? Look at his shorts!
Host: OH MY GOD! We got the…look at his pasty thighs! Look at his…
Playmate: I mean, do men wear those? I don’t…
Host: Oh my god. I’ve watched this video and thought it was so cute, over and over. Until now when all I see is two man thighs. Like, I can’t even look at it.
Playmate: If his legs are that scary in his outfit, can you imagine what that baby is looking at?!
Just so we’re clear, I’ve got thick skin and (as evidenced by the video) a densely woven forest of body hair. This stuff doesn’t even begin to hurt my feelings. In fact, my wife showed it to her eighth graders today…every single one of them.
And now they all totally judge her for sleeping with me.
As my daughter stands on the brink of viral video stardom, I think it’s important that—as her father and trusted daddy blogger—I share some of the lessons I’ve learned about the Internet in the last 24 hours.
1.) Somebody will inevitably think your baby is ugly, and because they’re on the Internet, they’ll tell you without hesitation. Don’t be surprised if that comment soars to the top on the wings of upvotes. While your heart will
break into a thousand disconsolate pieces hurt a little, it’s best not to feed the trolls. Just accept the fact that the video is funny (and popular) specifically because the baby looks a bit like a drugged out alien and all Total Recall references are 100% valid.
2.) People will critique your parenting within an inch of calling social services. They’ll tell you how you’re scaring your baby, that you’re traumatizing her. You might get called a “f—ked up piece of shit.” Some will even go so far as to tell you that: “This beautiful child is unhappy with something inside its body, and now it’s startled by some horrible occurrence outside the body. This is like raping a woman to make her temporarily forget her menstruation pains.” I’m pretty sure this is absolutely nothing like that…at all.
3.) Always, and I mean ALWAYS, dress as if the Internet is watching. NO EXCEPTIONS! If you own a pair of jeans that are so worn that the knees have given way to massive holes, there’s probably a bad angle that’ll make them look like jorts…and that makes you a nevernude. And the Internet, bless its black little heart, will make sure you know how stupid you look.
As a sidenote, I’ve been getting a lot of questions regarding Charlotte’s twin brother, Greyson. Won’t he feel left out or a little slighted by not being Internet famous? We’ve talked about it, the baby and me, and he’s assured me that given the option between…(and this is a direct quote from the little guy)…that “given the option between lying on Tobias Fünke’s lap while the world makes fun of me or being another nameless face in the nursery, I’ll take the latter every single time.”
Touché, Baby Greyson. Touché.