Fatherhood is discussing the wife's baby weight with sensitivity, or barring that, ruthless and bumbling candor.

[SCENE]:
Ashley crawls in bed and kisses me goodnight. I affectionately rub her thigh.

Ashley:
Goodnight, sweetheart.

Me:
I like the way your body feels.

Ashley:
Well, don't get too used to it. It'll be hard as a rock soon.

Me:
I'm looking forward to it!

Ashley:
(Silence)

Me:
That came out wrong. I thought about saying it was okay if you stayed soft forever, but that seemed to imply I didn't believe you could lose the weight. Also that you were fat. So, I said "I'm looking forward to it" as a vote of confidence that you could, in fact, tone up. But that sounds like I think you need to, which I don't. You can stay fluffy forever and I'll still love you. Hey, what should I do with this shovel when I'm done with it?

Notes

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mommyletterstobaby said: This is absolutely hilarious! I know exactly why Ashley went silent…My husband and I have had this same conversation…This will make me laugh all day! Thanks!
snowwhiteandthe7rats said: ah. this reminds me of the time i was complaining to Jake about how I was gaining weight, and in a misguided attempt to be supportive and loving, he said “well why don’t you go run around?” weight + social gender conditioning can be dangerous.
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