As my daughter stands on the brink of viral video stardom, I think it’s important that—as her father and trusted daddy blogger—I share some of the lessons I’ve learned about the Internet in the last 24 hours.
1.) Somebody will inevitably think your baby is ugly, and because they’re on the Internet, they’ll tell you without hesitation. Don’t be surprised if that comment soars to the top on the wings of upvotes. While your heart will
break into a thousand disconsolate pieces hurt a little, it’s best not to feed the trolls. Just accept the fact that the video is funny (and popular) specifically because the baby looks a bit like a drugged out alien and all Total Recall references are 100% valid.
2.) People will critique your parenting within an inch of calling social services. They’ll tell you how you’re scaring your baby, that you’re traumatizing her. You might get called a “f—ked up piece of shit.” Some will even go so far as to tell you that: “This beautiful child is unhappy with something inside its body, and now it’s startled by some horrible occurrence outside the body. This is like raping a woman to make her temporarily forget her menstruation pains.” I’m pretty sure this is absolutely nothing like that…at all.
3.) Always, and I mean ALWAYS, dress as if the Internet is watching. NO EXCEPTIONS! If you own a pair of jeans that are so worn that the knees have given way to massive holes, there’s probably a bad angle that’ll make them look like jorts…and that makes you a nevernude. And the Internet, bless its black little heart, will make sure you know how stupid you look.
As a sidenote, I’ve been getting a lot of questions regarding Charlotte’s twin brother, Greyson. Won’t he feel left out or a little slighted by not being Internet famous? We’ve talked about it, the baby and me, and he’s assured me that given the option between…(and this is a direct quote from the little guy)…that “given the option between lying on Tobias Fünke’s lap while the world makes fun of me or being another nameless face in the nursery, I’ll take the latter every single time.”
Touché, Baby Greyson. Touché.